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Player's Interview: EgonA candid talk with a modern day ghostbuster. |
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| Bureau 13 is a secret organization formed
by Abraham Lincoln during his presidency. At this time, supernatural powers
were getting out of hand. People lived in fear of every shadow, and the
country was falling apart. It was for these reasons that Bureau 13 was
born. The Bureau immediately began a process of disinformation and frontal
assault. As the years passed, supernatural occurrences became less and
less frequent, until the majority o f the world considered the stories
to be mere folk tales. The Bureau's mission was succeeding. Specializing
on evidence dispersal, the Bureau had developed a process of elimination
of tangible evidence and witnesses. They had also gotten somewhat over-confident.
In 1977, a special meeting of Bureau personnel was called. Nearly all the agents were at Bureau 13 main offices when the tragedy occurred. The supernatural struck back. The main office was destroyed, along with all the years of case files. Agents in the field soon learned of the damage. They reorganized, disbursed what little information that had survived, and began again. The new Bureau 13 was born. One with no accessible central office and some very independent agents. Egon is one of the new breed. As a veteran of the Bureau, Egon was recently selected to prepare an interview to be used as training material for new recruits. Loyal Sterling was selected to conduct this discussion. Being in the same business as Egon, I knew what he had gone through. The supernatural can be violent, and the pressure could take its toll even on those of us chosen to save the world. I was sure his story would be helpful, but 1 also knew the Bureau wasn't for the weak of heart. Players: Exactly how did you get started in the Bureau? Egon: Tinkering. I broke into their files. Players: So they came to find you? Egon: Yes. They figured that if I could break into their files they could use me. Players: How long ago did you join? Egon: I can't really remember. Players: I guess I should say, were you recruited sometime after the massacre of '77? Egon: Yes. Players: There weren't too many survivors from that incident. Egon: No. Actually I've only ever even met one person that survived. He was fortunate and paranoid. Of course if you work in this line of work too long, you get that way. Players: What do you consider the worst entity you've come up against? Egon: In general, demons. They always send me after demons, it seems. ThaYs where I get hurt the most. Players: I notice you're sporting a few injuries today. What brought those about? Egon: Demons. I'm lucky to have my original hair. I'm lucky to have one original knee. And, I'm lucky to have any skin at all. Players: I take it you bring new meaning to the "Let's go home in a body bag" song? Egon: I've done that once. I don't remember too much about it. The time that it mostly happened and the time I got out of the hospital is kind of a jumble. Players: Have you ever been possessed? Egon: Not that I recall. Players: Have you ever run into anyone that was? Egon: Not really a possession. It was something very difficult to explain. One of my first trips out, I met this person who had a problem with dreams. It wasn't that he was having bad dreams and they were affecting his sleep. He was having dreams that were affecting everyone else. He worked in a television station and he ran all the horror films on their late night shows. I guess it was some sort of drug he took that brought out a psychic ability in him. When he went to sleep he'd dream about the movies he'd play. He'd play a godzilla movie and what happens, godzilla appears. He dreamed about zombies and zombies appeared. I got some cracked ribs to prove those suckers were real. Players: How do you keep this from the general public? Egon: I sure hope so. (laughs). Evidence dispersal. Try not to do things in public places, which the last time wasn't very successful. Players: I understand one of your party is suffering from an unfortunate incarceration. Egon: Yes. I think that was kind of my fault. But, oh well, sometimes things do happen. At least he's still walking. The other guy that was there got his leg blown off. Actually, yes, I was possessed as I think about it. I was taken over and I shot one of my fellow agents. I hit him in the knee with an Atchisson street sweeper. Players: He is fortunate to have a leg at all. Egon: I think he's got what I've got now - artificial limbs. Players: Just how much of you is artificial? Egon: Just the knee really, but then I've got a lot of scar tissue. Players: Do you have any family? Egon: I don't think so. I've tried not to. They could get in the way. No, I'm just out here to help the world from those nasty demon critters. Actually, I'm getting ready to take a trip. I'm going after some demons. The first thing I said was "Oh, demons again? Isn't there a haunting or something?" Players: Obviously, since you come back from these missions, you certainly know how to handle them (demons). Egon: It seems like a bunch of pure luck and nonsense to get me through it. Players: What about your companions, do they usually survive? |
Egon: For the most part. There was this
one gentleman who went on a mission with me ... oh, I can't really remember
- my memory sometimes ... We were on the east coast of the states. I think
there were three of us that went to check a house out. It was kind of a
trap made by Matthias Bolt and his followers. We went through a portal
that led straight into a black mass kind of thing. We tried to sneak out,
but this new guy with us decided to make it into a shooting match. The
Bureau's missions have a way of weeding out the inept, I guess.
Players: Have you ever come back without completing a mission? Egon: That I don't rightly remember, of course, you always try to block out the bad stuff. Players: What did you do before you became involved in the bureau? Egon: Just basic electronics work. Players: Did you own your own shop? Egon: No, I just worked for myself doing odd jobs here and there. I also tried to see if I could break in to other people's computers. Information gathering is what rules the world. If you can gather enough information, you can sell it to anybody. Players: You were engaged in somewhat illegal activities? Egon: Oh no! At the time it wasn't illegal because congress hadn't said anything about that yet. I would never do anything illegal. Players: I understand that now you are responsible for keeping your team's trail covered. Egon: I just try to clean up after ourselves. Last time I couldn't do that, I was really in a world of hurt. Players: I understand you nearly died? Egon: I think I did. Players: What would you tell the new bureau recruits as far as the best training the bureau has to offer? Egon:Best training? Learn magic. It could really be useful. If I could ever learn how to do that crap, it would solve quite a few problems. Players: Such as? Egon: Protection spells are incredible. Players: Priests also have that ability. I understand your current assignment is with a priest. Egon: I wouldn't consider her a priest. Whenever I think of priests, I think of the Catholic kind. Of course, they can be useful sometimes because they can use that holy water stuff, which actually works sometimes. Players: I take it you are not well versed in religious dogma? Egon: I'm on the borderline. Of course, something must be going right for me, I'm still alive. There are demons out there, I've met them all. Players: All of them? Egon: Well, if you've met one demon, you've met them all. Players: So, most demons are pretty much the same? Egon: They're mean, they're nasty, they hurt you. There was one, I blew his head off. I stuck an Atchisson street sweeper down his throat and pulled the trigger. It was beautiful. Players: Do you think the available bureau technology is helpful or a hindrance? Egon: Helps, we just need more. A satellite system to help detect the evil bad guys. Do you realize if we had kirilian detectors in orbit, what areas we could find that were hot spots and deal with them more efficiently. The only thing is, we need a space shuttle to do it. Players: Do you think the bureau should expand beyond the borders of the United States? Egon: Actually they are. There are some European bureau members. They've been doing that since Lincoln set up the bureau. Did you know Hitler even had some dealings with the supernatural? I even think we had to go after a clone of his. I think that was in the fifties, but that's just rumor. In this kind of business rumors seem to be truer than the truth. Players: Has the disinformation technique served its purpose as far as you are concerned? Egon: Oh, yes. Unless it's screwed up. Players: Does that happen often? Egon: Well, nothing's perfect. There is always a chance to screw up. Even on occasion, I screwed up. Players: What would you say to someone that had just experienced a supernatural occurrence and possibly even witnessed the bureau's involvement. How would you recruit him? Egon: That depends on how they react. If they're recruitable, I'd simply tell them the type of work that needs to be done. Then you've got to convince them that they’re crazy. Players: Have you had to do that in the past? Egon: No, I haven't really had the opportunity yet. I haven't really been in a situation where I've had to make people think they’re crazy. Usually, we take care of a situation so that the public won't know about it. Except the last one was in a public building. Of course, I really shouldn't have walked into that bowling alley with a shotgun. That was just frustration. I knew there was a bad guy in there, but when I tried to get to where he was, something bad happened. So, I decided to just clear all the people out of there, make them run out of the place, and then start going to town. Players: Tell me a little bit about what happened that day. Egon: Well, there were murders happening in Pittsburgh. We located a large collection of supernatural power around this one bowling alley, and we decided to go in. I sent a mechanical mouse in and lost it. Then we sent a person in, and the alarm went off. So we got the hell out of Dodge, and then we went in there in the day time. If I could have gotten past that alarm system, that entire incident wouldn't have happened. No one would have gotten hurt. |
Players: What would you have done differently?
Egon: I had the explosives. If all else failed, I could have just leveled the building. I'd rather have some suspicion than have people die by demons. Players: So while taking innocent lives isn't a priority, it was a probability in this situation to prevent knowledge of the bureau? Egon: Well, actually I d on't think I killed anybody. But one of my partners did, while he was possessed. Now we have to rescue him from the cell he's held in. The easiest way would be a "Die Hard" kind of assault, but then we'd have to kill people. (pause) Why do people have to get in the way? Sometimes it would be nice to kill people. Of course, we can, if they're going to cause problems for the bureau. Players: Can you tell me about one of your experiences? Egon: Of course I can. I got a call that my assistance was needed in an investigation that had already started. The team had found some evidence of a girl being kidnapped. They’d originally been called in to investigate an unusual death that had been reported in Secret Service files because of it’s location. It had occurred near Kennebunkport. I went to this location, did some wiretapping. The clues led to a deserted house. I used one of the bureau issued robots for investigation at first. We were leaving the house when the rain started. It wasn't a natural rain. It was acid rain like I'd never seen - pure acid. We found out later this was all part of Matthias Bolt’s plan to trap us. We were forced back into the house (after my robot was destroyed). Actually, I should have been dead in that one. I got kind of poisoned. We found a girl there that was kind of drugged into a trance. We found Bolt. Interesting individual. I believe he was holding a gun to us. He went through a portal. I decided that if he could do it, I could do it. I ended up all the way in Oregon! As soon as he went through, it had started to close, and I think that's why I ended up about 10 miles away from where he was. Another agent had come through with me. We ran into another agent, one I had worked with in the past. He was investigating what was going on in the region, which was the headquarters for Bolt himself. We eventually infiltrated his ...I guess you'd call it a church, I don't know. It was a church, but I don't like calling places like that churches. They’re not really churches. They’re just places where evil, bad guys get together. I took a pot shot (silenced) at the man (Bolt) and hit him. I thought I shocked him a little. He'll probably be after me, if he's alive. Players: Men like Matthias Bolt tend to remain alive, similar to the way you do. Egon: Yes, I know. I don't like him. I know he's going to be after me sooner or later, so I've got to watch.... I just need a new identity. After a while, that is a good thing to do. There's a bit of advice; after a time with the bureau, you're going to need to change your identity and face. Players: If you were assigning equipment, what would you recommend be taken in any situation? Egon: You need a mini van, utility van, basically. It needs to be decked out, electronic mouse, multi-purpose robotic brain with various weapon mounts, those that are intelligent, a good waldo device, sensor pack, one of those new-fangled body bags - those things work great. A lot of firepower is always needed, Atchisson street sweepers are great. Players: I heard you ran into a space ship once, tell me more about it. Egon: I don't actually remember that much about it, except that I lost a California RV in the process. I remember a big alien giant cockroach and a spaceship that was either built inside a building or it was underneath a building. Players: So how did you get rid of it? Egon: I don't think it was the fact that we got rid of it I think it was the fact that it was gone. They left. Players: So would you classify that as a successful mission or not? Egon: He left didn't he? Players: But he could come back. Egon: Well, we'll just have to call out the marines, won't we. Players: What other missions do you remember? Egon: Well, as I was saying earlier, there was this person who had been taking some sort of drug and would dream about horror movies that he ran on the television. They would come alive, godzilla, giant monkeys, zombies. Players: How did you alleviate that problem? Egon: We finally figured out what was happening. We got him to stop taking drugs. My original thought was, which my partner didn't like, to set two bricks of plastic explosive on the TV towers and blow them up. I have this thing about explosives. You know, my left arm was slagged because of those suckers, along with my ribs. Players: What would you recommend to bureau personnel as far as avoiding injuries. Egon: Take heavier weapons. If you know how to use explosives, use them. Don't put explosives in the hands of people that don't know how to use them. Players: What words of wisdom could you relay to our readers. Egon: I believe in coyotes. Time is an abstract. You explain a change in a difference between what you want and what you get. What it means I have no idea. I heard it in a song. (Editor's Note: Since the original publication of this interview, Egon has fallen to the forces of the supernatural. He found himself between a bridge troll and a team member's shotgun. When his body was recovered, no amount of magic or medicine could bring him back.) |
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